Band: Breckman Andy
Album: Non Album Tracks
Song: Railroad Bill

Railroad Bill
                            by Andy Brickman


 Now Railroad Bill was a hard living man
 He used to take his women two at a time
 And everyone agreed he was the badest engineer
 That ever driven down the Santa Fe line
 His name was known from the folks back home
 To the tippy top of telegraph hill
 And all the little boys when they were sneaking cigarettes
 They used to dream about the Railroad Bill

 Well one day Bill was walking along
 And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree
 When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder
 To set that kitty cat free
 Bill said no, ain't gonna do it
 Ain't gonna climb up no tree
 This is a stupid stupid song and no folk singer
 Gonna make a fool outa me

 I said one day Bill was walking along
 And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree
 When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder
 To set that kitty cat free
 Bill said no, ain't gonna do it
 Ain't gonna do what you said
 This is a stupid stupid song and as far as I'm concerned
 That cat can stay there till it's dead

 I said wait a minute Bill, you can't argue with me
 For God's sake I just made you up
 I got the pen in my hand, I want you up in that tree
 I want that cat unstuck
 Bill said no, I hate cats
 
 ain't gonna climb for no cat
 He said why don'tyou have me save a beautiful girl
 Who's been tied down to the railroad tracks?

 I said mayb% there'll be room in the 8th or 9th verse
 But right now I want you up in that tree
 I'm the writer, God Damn, I got the pen in my hand
 And you'e suposed to listen to me
 He said you asshole!!
 Why should I listen to you, you should be listening to me instead
 He said I'm a railroad man and if I was real
 I'd seperate your face from your head

 You ungreatful brute, I cried, you pushed me too far
 I gotta show you I can do as I please
 So an earthquake came and it shook the whole terrain
 And it brought Railroad Bill to his knees
 And then a tidal wave broke and everything got soaked
 Bill was almost compleatly washed away
 And then a big green monster from the planet Neptune landed
 An bit Railroad Bill on the leg

 I got the pen in my hand!
 I can do what I want
 I'm a bright new young talent on the rise
 So get your ass up that tree or I swear you ain't gonna
 Get out of my folk song alive

 He said you don't scare me
 You might be funny, but you don't scare me
 And if you don't leave me alone I'm gonna tell everybody
 Where you stole this melody
 But before he could speak, his tongue fell out
 And he could not make a sound
 Suddenly he jumped on top of me and grabbed me by the neck
 And pulled me to the ground
 And he hit me in the stomach
 And he hit me in the face real hard
 I think he almost broke my nose
 Just then a lightning bolt came outa nowhere
 Hit him right between the eyes and killed him instantly

 The cat came down from the tree, had a bowl of warm milk
 Went to sleep for the night
 Railraod Bill is survived by a wife and three kids
 Dear God, I love to write...

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